A gradual but inevitable descent into cricket-based loathing and bile.

Australia vs. England, First ODI: Preview

Posted on January 11, 2014 by in 40/50-over


More often than not the hardest part of writing these previews is this bit, the opening paragraph. The pressure to write something funny or topical loosely related to cricket can be unrelenting, especially when Editor Steve stands intimidatingly in the background, tapping his paintball gun on the desk. It becomes especially difficult to find inspiration when the England team have been soundly battered in every meaningful game they’ve played over the last two months. In truth, everybody else probably stopped paying attention weeks ago, even Graeme Swann.

Swann arrived at the beach, then remembered the ODI series was on the TV

Swann arrived at the beach, only to remember the ODI series was on the TV.

But thanks to a moment of inspiration (and a generic MP3 player) this is not one of those times. We give you the words of the aptly named ‘Australia’ by the Manic Street Preachers:

“Praying for the wave to come now
It must be for the fifteenth time
I’ve been here for much too long
This is the past that’s mine

I want to fly and run till it hurts
Sleep for a while and speak no words in Australia
I want to fly and run till it hurts
Sleep for a while and speak no words in Australia
In Australia

Praying for the wave to come now
It must be for the very last time
It’s twelve o’clock till midnight
There must be someone to blame”

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

The home team

David Warner and Michael Clarke have returned to further torment England after missing the Indian run fest all the way back in October when England were still considered good. George Bailey will return to his comfort zone with Dale Steyn no doubt watching from afar ,cackling loudly to himself with every run his future victim makes. Off the field Shane Warne will return to constantly tweeting about James Faulkner and Nathan Coulter-Nile. That and not tolerating bullshit from anyone, causing irony detectors across the world to overheat and then explode.

At least the Aussies have agreed to rest Mitchell Johnson for the early games, a bit like at school when one team lent the other a player to make it a slightly more even contest.

Nicky Wire went a little too far with the sun block

Nicky Wire: a firm believer in sun block

The away team

Unfortunately for England, a large number of the Test squad have been retained for the ODI games. Hopefully only a few will play, giving a chance to the youths summoned from various Big Bash franchises. Stuart Broad, England’s official ‘good’ bowler, has been rested for the first two games while Boyd Rankin presumably has cramp, sunburn and probably leprosy by now. He’ll probably still start ahead of Steven Finn, unless the latter has finally finished his effigy of David Saker and actually started to think about bowling again. We’d like to see more of Chris Jordan, partly because he looks a decent bet for the future and partly because watching Tim Bresnan trundle into the crease like a caravan reversing up a hill will make us weep yet again.

Nick Compton's desperate plea to the selectors probably crossed the line.

Nick Compton’s desperate plea to the selectors probably crossed the line.

The 51allout prediction

If you tolerate this, your children will be next.

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