Alakazam! Bloody Nora! Crivens! Darn! Eureka! Flippin’ ‘Eck! Good Grief! Hurrah! Incredible! Jesus! Kerpow! Lawdy! Man Alive! No Way! Omigod! Phwoar! Qwerp! Ruddy Hell! Sheeeeeeeeeit! Thunderation! Unbloodybelievable! Voila! Wowsers! Xabi Alonso! Ye Gads! Zut Alors!
These were just some of the exclamations uttered on Friday morning when England managed to win a game of cricket against 11 fully-functioning, not-semi-retired, professional, Australian cricketers – only some of which were Dan Christian and Glenn Maxwell. The teams have now travelled back to Adelaide for the final ODI, where Australia will be trying to cling on to the No. 1 ranking (or maybe recapture it – we can’t really keep up these days) and England will hope to build momentum into the all-important T20 series.
Such is the panic in the Australian ranks that in the same way that EastEnders kept bringing back characters from the 1990s, they’re recalling Michael Clarke and Shane Watson. It is likely that Xavier Doherty will also get another game – like when Tracey the barmaid at the Queen Vic gets a line of dialogue. Meanwhile Mitchell Johnson certainly won’t be playing because he’s remained in Perth. Maybe he’ll be completely forgotten about, similar to the manner that Felix the Barber and Blossom Jackson went on holiday and never came back.
Having finally beaten Australia at the ninth attempt, England should be unchanged. Nonetheless, it would be uncharacteristic if the 11 who won at the WACA manage to make it to the Adelaide Oval without anyone becoming injured, falling ill or being trapped in a burning car lot.
We just can’t bring ourselves to predict another England victory, so Australia to be on the verge of victory only to be denied by a fire in the dressing room.