Warnifesto: How To Beat Them Poms In The Ashes

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Matt Larnach in Opinion

 

G’day cricket fans. Been a long time since my last manifesto and I apologize for that. I know how much youse lot look forward to them. Been a bit busy of late. Uploading pictures of myself on to instagram mostly. You lot should check them out, they are awesome !!! Plus remember to visit my site !!! And download my app !!! Liz looked through the feedback to my last manifesto and she said the responses were 100% positive !!! So cheers for that. It’s great to see youse are all right behind me and my plan to return Australia to its rightful spot as number one across all four formats: Test cricket, One Day cricket, T20 cricket and World Series Poker.

Course, between now and the last manifesto the Aussie team for the Ashes has been released. Can’t say I am too happy with it. It’s like the selectors have been ignoring everything I have been saying. Unbelievable. I was even talking to that selector bloke just the other week. You know the one: the bloke with the funny hair. And he said all the selectors read my manifesto’s back to front. Even said something about how much the selectors looked forward to them, and how much enjoyment they got out of them. They even highlight the best bits he said, like when I said all me best mates should be the new selectors.

Well, whatever it is they are doing, they can’t have been paying too much attention to what I wrote, because I don’t think the team they are taking to England is the best one available. I reckon them selectors are playing it too safe and ignoring some of the great talent available. The squad needs a complete overhaul. I did it, and look how good I turned out !!!

So I was talking to some of my mates on twitter, and they couldn’t believe that some guy called Nathan Cooter-Nile wasn’t picked, so I would get him in there definitely. Plus my good mate, Max Glenwell, who is a top bloke and a Victorian to boot, should definitely be there. Good to see another of me mates, James Fawkner made it, specially since it means that Enriques fella missed out. Don’t like that guy. His haircut is awful. Looks like mine used to in the 90’s before I went back and digitally altered all the old pictures of meself so people would only know how beautiful I look now.

Couple of the other selections seem a bit strange. Who is this Usman Kwarja guy? Surely has to be some mistake there, that doesn’t sound like an Aussie to me !!! And everyone keeps telling me someone called Devaroo was unlucky to have missed out. Weird name that. What is he, some sort of kangaroo !!! I guess that’s what happens when you have some bloody foreigner like Mick Arthur running things instead of a proper dinky-di Aussie. You end up with a team full of foreigners and native wildlife. Wouldn’t have happened if my mate Boof Lehmann was running things.

But in the end it don’t matter who goes, long as they are proper Aussies (not like that Usman one) and play cricket like proper Aussies should. By which I mean we should sledge the shit out of the Poms at every opportunity. Remember too what happens on the field should stay on the field, so just because we make jokes about someone’s sexuality, criminal record, deceased family members, etc, it’s all just part of the contest and any complaints afterwards are about what you can expect from a pack of whinging Poms. Bit unfair if they do the same back to us though. That just ain’t cricket. Or what Liz calls ‘the regrettable infinite horizons of the post-colonialist milieu ‘ She is clever like that. Also knows a lot about makeup !!! So I reckon Captain Clarky should take charge and start the sledging himself. I could even give him some tips. Remember when I called Bell the ‘Sherminator’ !!! Won us the Ashes that did.

Liz displays her mastery of the rhetorical arts for the benefit of a lucky passerby !!!

What’s more, I could even give Clarky some advice on captaincy. I used to offer suggestions to AB all the time back in the day and he would always turn around and say, ‘piss of ya dickhead’. Pretty funny yeah !!! Actually now I think of it, Tubby Taylor and Tugga Waugh used to say exactly the same thing. That’s what’s so good about Aussie cricket, the humor !!! Don’t forget to check out my website for more good stories like that !!! And my app !!! Please, I need the money…

But I reckon we can still win anyway. At the end of the day they are just Poms while we are Aussies. Hardly a fair contest is it? If they do beat us, it will only be because they set rubbish pitches and use that bloody Duke ball. Which is cheating in my book. The Kookaburra should be used everywhere. It’s Australian so it has to be the best. When I take over Cricket Australia that will be one of the first things I will force through: no Test matches involving the Aussie team will be played with anything other than the Kookaburra. Don’t like it? Tough.

But that’s a story for the next manifesto, where I will unveil my plans to usurp that Sutherland bloke as the head of Cricket Australia and force through all my plans for improving Aussie cricket. Like getting rid of rotation, T20 grounds 100 kilometers in diameter, and banning all foreigners who beat my Test wickets record. Till then don’t forget to check out my website !!! And download my app !!! Plus follow me on twitter !!! And instagram !!!

So, till next time, and as always, fuck you Marlon.