A gradual but inevitable descent into cricket-based loathing and bile.

England vs. Australia, 2nd ODI: Review

Posted on September 9, 2013 by in 40/50-over

Australia 315/7 (50/50 overs) (Clarke 105, Bailey 82; Rankin 2/49)

England 227 all out (44.2/50 overs) (Buttler 75, Pietersen 60, Morgan 54; McKay 3/47)

Australia won by 88 runs

In a sentence

Is it wrong that we enjoyed the first ODI more, giving us as it did the opportunity to just switch off our TV set and do something less boring instead? (Which in our case was trying to persuade Australians to change their voting preferences by threatening them with a large stick.)

In more sentences

This wasn’t exactly a great advert for ODI cricket with a second string England side getting a right pasting. The ‘bits and pieces’ bowling attack came a cropper at the hands of Aaron Finch, Michael Clarke and George Bailey who, sensibly enough, looked to get after England’s proper bowlers (particularly James Tredwell), leaving Eoin Morgan with nowhere to turn. Australia’s cruise past 300 was made to look remarkably easy, with almost no pressure applied by the bowling side at any point after the first over.

In contrast, Australia started well with the ball and England just crumbled. Only four players made it to double figures (and one of those was Steven Finn), although Jos Buttler finally began to demonstrate that he’s not actually quite as rubbish as his previous ODI form suggests. Indeed he increased his career ODI runs by 65% in a single day, which isn’t bad going in anyone’s book.

Except maybe this one which includes chapters such as "why voting for Tony Abbott is a really good idea". We blame the co-author.

Except maybe this one which includes chapters such as “Why voting for Tony Abbott is a really good idea”. We blame the low standard of the co-author’s writing.

The home side

Well, er, Boyd Rankin looks like he might turn out to be a decent bowler. And Buttler batted as he has generally done for Somerset over the last few years – gradually building an innings before exploding into life – rather than in the rather horrific way he’s done for England to date. Other than that this was almost a complete write-off. At a real stretch we could say that Steve Finn bowled a reasonable opening spell before falling away later on, Ben Stokes reached a decent pace (albeit by mainly bowling full tosses to excite the speed gun) and Eoin Morgan’s return to form has been timely. But really that’s it – everything else about this was just crap. Seriously – send for Liam Plunkett now or this series isn’t going to provide a single point of interest.

The away side

This was Australia as we remember them from pointless post-Ashes ODI series past: ruthlessly and efficiently smiting an England side that couldn’t be less interested if they tried. There was some excellent batting, some very good bowling – particularly from Mitchell Johnson, who is now the only fit Mitchell available and therefore a shoe-in for the Ashes down under – and a generally professional all-round level of competence. Not exactly words we’ve often used to describe these particular tourists.

Other words we don't often use include 'buffoon', 'imbecile' and 'twat'.

Other words we don’t often use on here include ‘buffoon’, ‘imbecile’ and ‘twat’.


It’s off to Birmingham for Wednesday’s thrilling spectacular. England might want to have a bit of a reshuffle, so that they actually have some bowlers. Australia will just want to spend a bit more time in a country that actually has proper broadband and where homosexuality isn’t suddenly on the verge of becoming a criminal offence, before heading home to knock up their wives and pocket a fortune.



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Johannes Hooper

14 Sep 2013 21:50

Before you get all jumpy at the conservatives Labor had two terms to let consenting adults sign up for mutual lifetimes of Englishmen style sex.

Never mind at least they said they got to apologize to whoever it was for whatever it was they were sorry for. At least that’s completely fixed. The country’s in much better shape.

Oh and the world didn’t get even a microdegree warmer, and the icecaps now have record growth, so evidently the carbon tax worked a treat.



09 Sep 2013 13:01

I really feel sorry for English people in Australia who are upset by the election result. lol