A gradual but inevitable descent into cricket-based loathing and bile.

The Ashes: The Other Side Of The Story

Posted on November 11, 2013 by in Opinion


With the Ashes tour now a couple of weeks old and a grand total of about three minutes of actual cricket played, the casual observer could be fooled into thinking there is only one team taking part in the upcoming series. So far we’ve learned that the England captain is too conservative and should be replaced by one of our two eldest players, the dietary requirements of an international sports team extend to more than ten pints and a curry and this man is becoming a bigger and bigger twat by the day.

It’s almost like there has been a premeditated crusade to try and undermine the visitors by the Australian media and former players. It’s same distraction technique used equally unsuccessfully by the likes of Ferguson and Mourinho when they’ve lost away at Norwich.

Preparing for life after cricket as a modern day Kriss Kross

Preparing for life after cricket as a modern day Kriss Kross.

Anyway here at 51allout, we like to think we set the media agenda. We don’t, but we like to think we do so it’s about time we all started talking about the Australians. Fortunately we aren’t employed by the BCCI (although Editor Steve is far more powerful, apparently) meaning that we can actually talk about selections issues. Unfortunately that also means we don’t get paid for this so, come on, tell your mates about us, retweet and pass this on to the marketing manager at work. Some of us are starving, you know.

We reckon the Australian team is actually fairly set in stone for the Brisbane test assuming, and it’s a big assumption, there are no injuries or nights out between now and November 21st. Rogers and Warner pick themselves as openers so long as Warner can avoid a few jars in The Red Lion (or whatever the Australian equivalent of The Walkabout is). Watson seems to have been allocated the number three spot for this series on the basis it’s the only position he hasn’t been hit on the pads in front of all three following a couple of attractive looking cover drives.  And then reviewed it. Clarke will obviously bat at four, #Devereux at five and Haddin at seven.

Clarke contemplates how best to run out Watson when England eventually declare

Clarke contemplates how best to run out Watson when England eventually declare.

With regard to the bowlers, Harris and Siddle pick themselves so long as they don’t fall apart or run out of energy respectively. Nathan Lyon will be the spinner as Ashton Agar’s batting form has dipped of late (currently averaging two in First Class cricket this season).

The mathematicians amongst you will notice two spare spots which appear to have been filled following the recent, much maligned, ODI tour to India. How well performances on a road in India qualify a player for five days of ashes cricket is a discussion for another day. And probably a future article laughing at Mitchell Johnson following Brisbane as it is he who seems to be lined up for the third seamer role. At least we won’t have to seethe at Mitchell Starc’s general c**tishness.

That leaves the number six spot which has been like a merry go round since Mr Boring Cricket retired. Our new favourite ginger, George Bailey looks to be the next waltzer off the rank and we predict he will be more successful in that spot than we are at shoehorning circus metaphors into cricket articles.

Now all that’s left is for us to wait hope for the mainstream media to follow our lead and start actually writing about the other lot.


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