A gradual but inevitable descent into cricket-based loathing and bile.

Australia vs. England, 4th ODI: Preview

Posted on January 23, 2014 by in Tests


Is this still going?

The tour from Hell rumbles on towards its inevitable end: having lost the Test series 5-0 England are now going to lose the ODI series by the same scoreline. Only 51allout’s law of T20 cricket (that a two game series will always finish 1-1, while a three game series will always be 2-1, never 3-0) stands in the way of an unprecedented three format mega-whitewash.

As predicted by Hilary Clinton, oddly enough.

As predicted by Hilary Clinton, oddly enough.

As if to rub salt into the wounds (with said wounds basically being all that’s left of Team England now), it’s time for another trip to the WACA where the slushie machine never works, the ball bounces funny and England routinely get thrashed.

The home team

In a desperate attempt to try and provide some interest to the TV audience, Australia have rested half of their first XI for this game, saving them not only from the arduous flight across the country but also from the indignity of not being allowed into the casino in the aftermath of their victory. Into the places vacated by Dave Warner and Brad Haddin come one Steven Peter Devereux Smith and, er, one Matthew Scott Wade, giving the team a total of eight all-rounders. Meanwhile George Bailey returns from injury to replace Michael Clarke as batsman and as captain…

The away team

…and in a similar move the in-form Big Bash star Luke Wright comes in to replace Alastair Cook as batsman and captain.  Oh don’t be daft. England will just tinker with their XI, possibly pick six seamers and no spinner, and look confused when the team are bowled out before Eoin Morgan works up a sweat. Seriously, what could go wrong with Bopara and Stokes and Broad and Bresnan and Woakes and Jordan all playing?

The predictability of England's bowling led to new levels of civil disorder.

The predictability of England’s bowling led to new levels of civil disorder.

The 51allout prediction

The best hope for England to manage to avoid a whitewash is to suddenly find an administrative cock-up has left them with visas about to expire. Considering this tour has been characterised by Dirk Diggler-sized cock-ups, we suspect this is not an impossibility.

Alastair Cook frantically skippers his England team away from Fremantle Harbour.

Alastair Cook frantically skippers his England team away from Fremantle Harbour.


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Brian Wilkinson

25 Jan 2014 15:20

Could be worse, Wade seems to have distracted from Bopara being in the worst slump known to man, as your Big Bash reviews have noted. Still good to see Judas finally come off.


Nichael Bluth

25 Jan 2014 03:32

There does seem to be a lot of hate for Wade’s innings. Mrs Bluth was very critical, as was the guy sat behind us on the bus afterwards.


Brian Wilkinson

25 Jan 2014 02:04

Reverse mockers win! and Kudos to Matt Wade for generally stinking up the top order, building pressure and then throwing his wicket away with a stupid shot.