A gradual but inevitable descent into cricket-based loathing and bile.

England vs. Australia, ‘Third ODI’: Review

Posted on September 11, 2013 by in 40/50-over

If an ODI no one particularly cared about anyway is washed out after 15 overs, does it really happen?


Before you ponder that brainteaser, let’s all take a moment to wonder, together, what the point of all this is. Two washouts from three, a third almost inevitably on the way at the weekend as the whole sorry show trickles into Cardiff, and the only cricket on offer throughout is a complete non-contest between a first choice side that cares a bit and a fifth choice one which doesn’t give a monkey’s. Even the hardcore support, the ones who spent their long winter nights in front of Zimbabwe v Bangladesh, armed only with coffee and the copy of Wisden they found stashed behind the gin, are struggling with this series. The half-baked fans who only show up when the Aussies are in town are long gone, leaving nothing but a couple of beer snakes and a few splatterings of righteous indignation in their wake. Seriously, it would be saner to travel to the Ukraine to watch a soccer game.

Apropos of nothing, here's a picture of Oliver Holt

Apropos of nothing, here’s a picture of Oliver Holt.

These interminable one day series are now apparently an inevitable consequence of the Ashes existing. England have lost the last two editions 6-1 and are more likely to lose six games again than win any this time around. The team is a sorry mixture of senior players who are probably affronted to even be asked to play and fairly random others whom the selectors remember from playing Warwickshire in the past, and it doesn’t even make very much sense within those parameters either. Australia seem fairly relieved to have actually won a match but now that’s over they’d rather scurry off home before any more of their bowlers fall to pieces. In fact, the only vaguely logical reason for them still being here is that they’ve seen their election results. The whole thing is a complete waste of everybody’s time.

Basically, this is bollocks. Or bullshit, as is apparently the professional way to describe things these days. Even Sky are paying these games so little attention they’ve accidentally sent Nick Knight to commentate. And abolished the Ashes channel, so the one saving grace of being able to watch Mark Ealham clobber the Aussies about back in the good old days when nothing else was on has been cruelly denied us.

Cricket Australia were beginning to regret appointing their new social media executive

Cricket Australia were beginning to regret appointing their new social media executive.

Let’s just agree to just stop the tour here, we’ve all had enough. Australia can have their 1-0 win, to save them having to hypothetically change the results of any more matches they lost to claim victory, and can finally go home.

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11 Sep 2013 23:17

That 2-2 prediction is looking a bit unlikely now. Mug’s game.